Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Cry Baby, Cry

Do you ever have one of those days where you just have the urge to break down in front of everyone and ball your eyes out and just scream in to the sky "WHY! WHY IN SWEET LORD IS THIS HAPPENING!!!!" Yeah that's what happened to me, and I am having one of those days except this time I did not do what today's movies and such tell us to do. I went into a dressing room in my high schools theater department and I just started to cry and everything came out and my friends held me and you know, it felt good, it felt good to get it all out and you know I was not sorry. I was not sorry at all. So here is my tip for today, if you are feeling absolutely like crap and you have a mental break down like me, here is my advise, JUST BREAK DOWN, just do it, seriously it helps. I am not saying that you need to break down in the mall or something, I am saying that do it where ever you feel comfortable, then when you are done freaking out, get what is left of your girl scout cookies, pick out a good movie and sit and have a good time vegging out because you deserve it. Now when it is all done, wake up refreshed and ready for the day to be good and know that you are wonderful and deserve the world!!

Monday, January 27, 2014

Free spirited, For Now........

So lately I have been finding my self I hang out with different groups of people a.k.a my theater friends, I dont know but they bring this part out in me that just makes me wild and free, and I find myself loving it! I just feel fun and free from the bonds I have been keeping myself in for a while. I don't know I would leave after hanging out with these people and I say to myself "who was that person in there" or 'Goodness I am an idiot!" but as I thought more about why I had these thoughts, its because I want people to like me so I circled back around to the thought I had this year, I need to start being someone I like as opposed to making choices based on what would make people like me, but I thought again I don't know if I want to be this crazy person, like I don't know if I want this to be me! That is when I face palmed and released that I am Sixteen! I don't have to decide what kind of person I want to be right now, I mean i can barley pick what ice cream to buy at Cold Stone! So maybe this isn't the person I want to be forever but this is who I am right now and I decided that I am just going to stop fighting clearly what my mind wants and just ride the wind out on this current faze I am going through and just enjoy it because you only live one right?

Monday, January 20, 2014

Short and Sweet

Howdy! I know it has been a while since I sat down and wrote a blog post but I have just been so amerced in my own life that I haven't had time too write posts for a fictitious audience, anyway that's not the point. The point is  I have been through something and I have made my self promise that i will not be posting anything completely complaining for a while or ever because, well who likes a someone who is always complaining? Not me! Okay so here is what I have decided since we last talked, I am an over dramatic control freak who blames all my problems on other people and constantly puts things off, like I dont have support so I cant or no one loves me. Yes I am still loud and trying to create a filter for my brain but hey no one can change over night am I right? I am also debating dropping the thing I love most, Student Government. Why you ask? Well its very simple, student government in high school is one big  popularity contest and you know I am sick and tired of being what everyone wants me to be. I am tired of constantly walking on egg shells, i just want to be free. That is all.

So thats why this year I am going to make a speical effort to love who am and to try to love my ever changing self because trying to figure it all out now is stupid, for the first time in my life I am going to make a commitment to let go of control and let things happen.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Basically I Just Don't Know!

Okay so if you have been keeping up with my past posts then you know what a mess I am, well I would not say a mess but lately I feel like I have adapted this kind of new me and I feel like I am working out how I feel fit in to my new me kind of. I mean I know in the past I have advocated that high school is the worst place to try and found out who you are but I don't really know if your like me  and constantly want to know what kind of person you are and what you really want out of life and I don't know I find myself becoming more and more independent and like I have said in the past just sick and tired of the what people think of me and and how I am treated but the thing I have found myself doing is not knowing how to go about it. I don't know how to be this new me but not come off as excuse my french bitch. Because I don't want to be known for that but at the same time I feel like the time I spent as a people pleaser is OVER. I want to be a person people don't want to mess with but still a sweet sugar cookie person I am on the inside. I feel like when we go through those periods of shedding like I talked about we are not necessarily trying to figure out who we are just how to adjust to this new personality we have taken on and its hard because I don't know about I was so used to being this girl that constantly needed the spot light and loved glitter but now I don't know its almost as if I have found peace in myself and now my opinions are less chaotic, I am more into simple and elegant, wearing less make up and having my hair up  and being the quiet girl than I was. I don't know, I mean I still love attention but its almost like I have had my fill of that and now I am ready to move on and just relax and enjoy life. I am ready to enjoy life and I am in a place where I am not necessarily completely comfortable with the word beautiful but I am for the first time in a long time comfortable with my figure, I mean I have my good and my bad days I am not perfect, but I am okay with not being perfect and I know I have a lot of learning to do but don't we all? We learn things everyday and I know this is going to sound cheesey but I got a fortune that says Adventure takes hard work. Its only been in the last few days that I have learned how valid that statement truly is and I think it is time that I got off my ass and stopped questioning everything and just went for it. For once because we can never really know anything and I am pretty okay with that. Okay maybe not yet but I will be!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

I Just Feel Tired

Okay so this is what I have to say, I guess I really don't know who my real friends are anymore, I mean the people I thought were going to be there for me are gone. So I don't know and I am not really sad I guess I am just kind of I don't know just odd. Like why is this happening and I don't know I guess I just don't care what people think of me anymore but there is this thing that I was thinking today what if I am out growing these people? What if I am out growing all of this, high school, cliques, bull shit drama, all of it? What if my subconscious is telling me that maybe I am just not wanting to deal with this stupid stuff anymore because I mean I have kind of lost touch with the sweet "people pleasing" part of me. I mean I don't know maybe I am becoming someone I do not like, someone mean, someone unkind and I don't want to be unkind and normally I don't but but I guess I will just have to be strong and be a free spirit that I am because I am tired of pretending to be happy and I am tired of making everyone else happy and me pretending that everything is okay because it is not okay, I am sick of being treated like a door mat and people thinking that they can walk all over me because that is not cool bro not cool. Well I guess I will report back when I things are a bit more solid in my life because right now I feel a bit all over the place. I just feel tired.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Growing Up?

Okay so I know it has been like what five days since I posted something. I mean if anyone real is actually reading this okay so let me update my situation although my friends situation has not improved all that much for some reason my over all confidence has.I mean yes Spencer still has feelings for me and that sucks and Fay still blames me for everything that happened which is total crap but hey people will be people am I right? I don't really know how to describe it though I mean its like I am making myself happier, like I am out of the shedding period and into some new skin I formed all on my own. I mean I feel free. Like I am my own person finally and the only opinion I care about is God and Jesus. After everything I have been through it feels like I am okay and for once I am not questioning every move I make or what am I going to be doing in three months or three years! I am finally living for the day. Now don't get me wrong I will probably have those days when I feel down and out or unable to move or unable to succeed but for these moments when you feel good and happy just feel good and happy don't let someone or things try to bring you down because its not worth it. I mean I am only in High School I should really learn to enjoy these easy times before things start to get genuinely hard. Not this fake crap that my "friends" are putting me through. This is the time in your life to let go and let fate take control and to be happy before you have to go into life and make actual choices and sacrifices. I will say something it was wrong of me to talk crap about Fay like I did today. It was wrong and I need to work on that but other than that things are good I mean I guess you could say I kind of feel like less of a Dumb Blonde than I have in the past maybe just maybe I am actually growing up.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I Don't Have the Energy For a Clever Title

Okay here it is. How I feel. Everything. I feel like an outsider, I feel like no one cares about me. I mean for goodness sakes my own mother treats me like I am invisible. I don't know what is going on maybe this is some sort of punishment for all the terribleness I have caused in my life but I don't know. Right now I feel like I have no one. That everyone is just exhausted of me and no one cares and even when I look to the future it doesn't seem bright or shinny its all just dark. I mean I find my self wanting to lay in bed watching Netflix and listing to music that is supposed to make you happy. I guess I know being alone is supposed to be something you need to be comfortable with before you share your self with someone else but the way I look at it oh hell I don't know, in fact I am reconsidering everything I mean my best friend talks shit about me now, everyone hates me, school has become just dull and I feel further away from god than I have in a long time. I find myself in the state of mind where nothing is okay. I hate this feeling of grossness, I never used to be like this, I used to say that my glitter was my ability to be sparkly and happy that it was the source of my amazingness but now I feel drained I feel like its gone. Like my hole world is sinking back into the shell of myself I was a year ago.

I am filling my days with Dexter now. You see each day I find myself sitting in class and wishing I was home doing the obvious. Maybe its my lack of friends or maybe it is my lack of confidence. The problem is I don't know if I am growing from this or just curling into a ball and giving up. I don't know what to do. Readers, if you are out there just know that I am at a place right now where I just have no idea anymore and as much as I want to keep typing I cant because I have no Idea what to say.