Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Not What It's Cracked Up To Be

Okay so I know I haven't written in a long time and that's mainly because I am a huge train wreck of a human. Seriously I am kind of at a tipping point of horrible person because my conscience is almost completely non excitant. Don't worry we will get to that though, lets get past the big stuff first.

So its my senior year right supposed to be the best year ever! Its a lie, seriously. Your senior year is equally as stressful as any other year so stop believing anything anyone tells you. After a summer of getting over Shawn ( More information on him in previous post, also more on him later) I finally was able to rejoin society and obtain my full potential as the strong woman I know I am but as I started to obtain myself more and more I would look around and notice how nice it would be to have someone to share it with and maybe have someone to be my cheerleader, not saying I am not capable its just sometimes you don't have the strength to know everything is going to be okay so its nice to have someone who can maybe give you that kick you need. Or maybe its just my hormones saying I need to bang someone (which would be bad), anyway since I was just coming off the Shawn train I was kind of broken and yeah that's okay but I started to see the compaction that was in my best friends Spencer. Yeah I know I had only avoided that for so long and it finally happened. I fell for him, HARD. I mean it wasn't like Shawn where I had absolutely no idea why I liked him at all, it was almost to obvious why I should be with Spencer, we balanced each other out and he didn't think like everyone else so he wasn't scared of me or intimidated by my success (Cindy said that's why people where scared of me, which if you ask me is a pretty shitty excuse and makes any guy weak if they can't handle a girl because she is determined  and successful.). don't mean to sound conceded I am NOT perfect at all I just tend to... come on a little strong that's all. Anyway I finally told Spencer how I felt and even though he had felt that way about me for a long time, he said no and is now dating someone else which is great I mean I want him to be happy its just we don't talk anymore and it sucks because I can see him becoming this ugly shell of who he used to be and it sucks. It has also made it hard to get over him because I loved the person he was and now he is just ugly and rude and mean. Getting over him has been very hard and honestly, I have to admit it has been harder loosing someone who meant so much to me because it was almost like he would always be there and then he wasn't and it sucked.

So here is where the problem starts, I went to a party. Sorry it feels like all stereotypical stories start with that phrase. Anyway I went to a party and I think I had it in my head that hooking up with someone would be easier that actually committing and I was right at first but I made the assumption that the guy I umm hooked up with would feel the same way. Well unfortunately...he didn't. He got super attached and because I am an idiot we met up more than once and this just fed into the feeling he developed for me. (OKAY but seriously how is it I manage to find the one guy who has feelings! Like yeah guys have feelings too but I mean I just need emotionless stuff and now I am a whore for not dating him, I know what I did was not cool but I mean I told him straight up I don't like you man and I am still the fucking bad guy. God I hate high school.) So we went to this party and we hooked up again, except everyone found out and they were talking shit about me because I was "using" him but he was FULLY FUCKING AWARE!!!! So yeah now here is where I am, I started to think and I thought maybe I should give him a chance. All the guys who I have ever liked have treated me like shit. This one however is nice. Like he seems to really care about me but I don't know if I like him like that. So I agreed to go on a date and try things which I am completely regretting because I don't like him I was just doing it because I don't want to be a whore but why do I care what people think? I mean why? I am a human I have human needs that I have fought for a long time and honestly I should keep fighting them but I just want to be free and he is trying to contain me, literally, he says I am too independent and that's why people don't like me but you what no. I like being independent and no one is going to take that away from me. Ever.

So I am going to go on my stupid date and hopefully be okay but I don't know what I am going to do. You know what fuck it. I am going on this fucking date and I am going to try, he gets a chance, everyone deserves one. Let's just hope this doesn't end in a train wreck.... like the rest of my love life...

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Calling All Woman Of Tomorrow!

Hello. So I know it has been a while and I guess if anyone did read this then they missed me, well maybe, but I am back with a really good story I guess. I know my past stories really haven't been much but this one is worth it because I am not little Ms. Future Politicization. In this story I am just an average high school girl who drank to much after prom night and woke up the next morning feeling stupid. So here we go.

It was pretty much any other Saturday, well other than the fact it was prom. For those of you who do not know I am on the prom committee at my school and an active member of Student Government, So after an exhausting three weeks doing all the intensive last minute decorations and buying stuff all by myself I did not want to go anymore! I was done and on top of that the party I was supposed to go to was being hosted by an old "Flame" of mine (when I say flame I mean some guy I used to have a crush on that blew me off and trust me I do not take getting blown off lightly). Long story short I was not excited for this. I ended up going and honestly walking in with no expectations made everything so much better, I mean I had so much fun! I danced I ate candy, it was awesome! Anyway so afterwords some friends of mine talked about going to a night club so I decided to tag along. To make a really long a sketchy story short we ended up stranded in a really bad part of town until one of the girls I was with had a family friend rescue us.

So we were in the car and I was out voted in deciding to go to the party and the next thing I knew I was at the house and did not want to go in. I just had this terrible feeling but being me and also being tired and stupid I went in. It didn't take long to find my friends and the alcohol. Look okay I felt like I deserved a drink, after the week I had I was so looking forward to just relaxing and being okay. Well I did not just stop at one, I went for two, then three and it all hit me at once. I was not completely gone yet. I kept my composure and was a good human until I could feel it getting worse so I told myself I have to pee (because that always makes me feel better). So I got in line for the bath room when my night took the first turn down mistake mountain. He appeared out of no where I promise, I was just in line until the next thing I knew he had his arm around me and we were at his island doing a shot. A full fucking dixi cup of Sky vodka. I was gone after that. I was done, so naturally this is when he would choose to tell me that he had a huge crush on me earlier that year.

 Okay now here is where we detour for a moment. This guy and myself have had a rocky road. I have liked him for a while and I know that seems stupid but I tend to keep myself very guarded and closed off so often times I do not take interests in guys like at all. So this crush I had I did not want it, Guys are not my thing. We talked for a little while and went out once on not even what I would consider a date. I am not closed off because I am like some cold person like some girl in romantic comedy. No I close myself off because I dont want to be like every other girl. I want to hold myself to a higher standered and demand respect because I am NOT an object, you can NOT through me around and toy with my feelings, no way. That is my goal and this guy he uses girls to advance his male ego. He is basically everything I do not want and try to ward off. So I hate that I ever let my stupid teenage hormones take over.

So for this guy to tell me he had a HUGE crush on me was a huge thorn in my side. So I did what any strong confident woman who had had four shots and a low alcohol tolerance would have done, I told him off. I told him what a scum bag he was and how I was not going to be one of his female play things. I was better than that and everyone around me was fairly supportive. Thats when I told everyone that I had to pee and he followed me. He followed me into the bathroom, then of course because we had ten drunk people banging on the door he took me into his room which conveniently was right next to the bathroom.

I know what you are thinking if you made it this far, no I did not have sex with him being as intoxicated as I was I did let him kiss me over and over again fully aware of how stupid and shitty I would feel in the morning because my still sane part of my brain completely knew what was going on but kissing him was so fun I could not stop. So yeah I ended up spending the night with him. He was the very first guy I had every made out with and the very first guy to see my boobs. He was a lot of my firsts and honestly that is the part that sucks the most.

Anyway when I woke up in the morning completely aware of what I had just done, I just kind of sat there, knowing he would probably want me the hell out of his house. So that is what I did. He drove me home and it was the most awkward car ride ever. It sucked. I felt like shit.

I am not going to sit here and say that it was his fault or anything, no. It was 50% me too I know. I mean I dont even blame him. I blame myself. I had all of these respect ordering standers set and I let them all go in one night for one guy. One fucking guy that has not spoken to me since. In the week since, I have never felt so stupid and heartbroken because this guy who I liked a lot basically confirmed every fear I had about guys in one night. Something you all do not know about me is that I have never really been to crazy parties and done stupid shit like everyone else, I am the girl with the purity ring who wants to be a missionary and works her ass off to make the school a better place, I was a model citizen, I was pure. I know that making out with someone and them seeing your boobs is not a big deal to a lot of people but it is to me. All of that stuff is to me because I don't want people to think it is like a free train or something! I wanted my firsts to be with someone I cared about. I wanted them to be with someone who cares about me, not just some one night thing with some ass hole who was just doing it for a good time. That is not me. He can not have me.

So here is where I am going from here, I am going to renew my faith and move on. Yes so this guy broke my heart, yes he took pieces of my purity away from me but that should not stop me from moving forward and being a better stronger woman. So if you are reading this and are maybe in that awkward place in your life with boys do not make the same mistakes I have made. I know in high school it is so much easier to just do what I did and have that feeling of want and need for five minutes than actually put the time and effort in for a meaning full relationship but trust me it is not worth it. Stop waiting around for guys that are not worth your time. Define the king of of guy you want in you head and DO NOT stop until you find him! Why? Because you deserve it. The woman of tomorrow need to start demanding respect from men or else NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE! We set the standards so lets start setting them.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Cry Baby, Cry

Do you ever have one of those days where you just have the urge to break down in front of everyone and ball your eyes out and just scream in to the sky "WHY! WHY IN SWEET LORD IS THIS HAPPENING!!!!" Yeah that's what happened to me, and I am having one of those days except this time I did not do what today's movies and such tell us to do. I went into a dressing room in my high schools theater department and I just started to cry and everything came out and my friends held me and you know, it felt good, it felt good to get it all out and you know I was not sorry. I was not sorry at all. So here is my tip for today, if you are feeling absolutely like crap and you have a mental break down like me, here is my advise, JUST BREAK DOWN, just do it, seriously it helps. I am not saying that you need to break down in the mall or something, I am saying that do it where ever you feel comfortable, then when you are done freaking out, get what is left of your girl scout cookies, pick out a good movie and sit and have a good time vegging out because you deserve it. Now when it is all done, wake up refreshed and ready for the day to be good and know that you are wonderful and deserve the world!!

Monday, January 27, 2014

Free spirited, For Now........

So lately I have been finding my self I hang out with different groups of people a.k.a my theater friends, I dont know but they bring this part out in me that just makes me wild and free, and I find myself loving it! I just feel fun and free from the bonds I have been keeping myself in for a while. I don't know I would leave after hanging out with these people and I say to myself "who was that person in there" or 'Goodness I am an idiot!" but as I thought more about why I had these thoughts, its because I want people to like me so I circled back around to the thought I had this year, I need to start being someone I like as opposed to making choices based on what would make people like me, but I thought again I don't know if I want to be this crazy person, like I don't know if I want this to be me! That is when I face palmed and released that I am Sixteen! I don't have to decide what kind of person I want to be right now, I mean i can barley pick what ice cream to buy at Cold Stone! So maybe this isn't the person I want to be forever but this is who I am right now and I decided that I am just going to stop fighting clearly what my mind wants and just ride the wind out on this current faze I am going through and just enjoy it because you only live one right?

Monday, January 20, 2014

Short and Sweet

Howdy! I know it has been a while since I sat down and wrote a blog post but I have just been so amerced in my own life that I haven't had time too write posts for a fictitious audience, anyway that's not the point. The point is  I have been through something and I have made my self promise that i will not be posting anything completely complaining for a while or ever because, well who likes a someone who is always complaining? Not me! Okay so here is what I have decided since we last talked, I am an over dramatic control freak who blames all my problems on other people and constantly puts things off, like I dont have support so I cant or no one loves me. Yes I am still loud and trying to create a filter for my brain but hey no one can change over night am I right? I am also debating dropping the thing I love most, Student Government. Why you ask? Well its very simple, student government in high school is one big  popularity contest and you know I am sick and tired of being what everyone wants me to be. I am tired of constantly walking on egg shells, i just want to be free. That is all.

So thats why this year I am going to make a speical effort to love who am and to try to love my ever changing self because trying to figure it all out now is stupid, for the first time in my life I am going to make a commitment to let go of control and let things happen.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Basically I Just Don't Know!

Okay so if you have been keeping up with my past posts then you know what a mess I am, well I would not say a mess but lately I feel like I have adapted this kind of new me and I feel like I am working out how I feel fit in to my new me kind of. I mean I know in the past I have advocated that high school is the worst place to try and found out who you are but I don't really know if your like me  and constantly want to know what kind of person you are and what you really want out of life and I don't know I find myself becoming more and more independent and like I have said in the past just sick and tired of the what people think of me and and how I am treated but the thing I have found myself doing is not knowing how to go about it. I don't know how to be this new me but not come off as excuse my french bitch. Because I don't want to be known for that but at the same time I feel like the time I spent as a people pleaser is OVER. I want to be a person people don't want to mess with but still a sweet sugar cookie person I am on the inside. I feel like when we go through those periods of shedding like I talked about we are not necessarily trying to figure out who we are just how to adjust to this new personality we have taken on and its hard because I don't know about I was so used to being this girl that constantly needed the spot light and loved glitter but now I don't know its almost as if I have found peace in myself and now my opinions are less chaotic, I am more into simple and elegant, wearing less make up and having my hair up  and being the quiet girl than I was. I don't know, I mean I still love attention but its almost like I have had my fill of that and now I am ready to move on and just relax and enjoy life. I am ready to enjoy life and I am in a place where I am not necessarily completely comfortable with the word beautiful but I am for the first time in a long time comfortable with my figure, I mean I have my good and my bad days I am not perfect, but I am okay with not being perfect and I know I have a lot of learning to do but don't we all? We learn things everyday and I know this is going to sound cheesey but I got a fortune that says Adventure takes hard work. Its only been in the last few days that I have learned how valid that statement truly is and I think it is time that I got off my ass and stopped questioning everything and just went for it. For once because we can never really know anything and I am pretty okay with that. Okay maybe not yet but I will be!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

I Just Feel Tired

Okay so this is what I have to say, I guess I really don't know who my real friends are anymore, I mean the people I thought were going to be there for me are gone. So I don't know and I am not really sad I guess I am just kind of I don't know just odd. Like why is this happening and I don't know I guess I just don't care what people think of me anymore but there is this thing that I was thinking today what if I am out growing these people? What if I am out growing all of this, high school, cliques, bull shit drama, all of it? What if my subconscious is telling me that maybe I am just not wanting to deal with this stupid stuff anymore because I mean I have kind of lost touch with the sweet "people pleasing" part of me. I mean I don't know maybe I am becoming someone I do not like, someone mean, someone unkind and I don't want to be unkind and normally I don't but but I guess I will just have to be strong and be a free spirit that I am because I am tired of pretending to be happy and I am tired of making everyone else happy and me pretending that everything is okay because it is not okay, I am sick of being treated like a door mat and people thinking that they can walk all over me because that is not cool bro not cool. Well I guess I will report back when I things are a bit more solid in my life because right now I feel a bit all over the place. I just feel tired.