Sophomore Year Sucks

*WaRnInG BeWaRe! ThIs BlOg CoNTaInS A lOt oF wHiNiNG!!!!* Well hello again little earthings how are you on this fine night great honestly your all probably freaking fantastic! Well me I feel like shit complete and utter shit! Things have just been all down hill from homecoming. I mean I have no friends, no guys interested in me and ontop of the my acting has taken a turn for the worst. Things are just falling apart and honestly I am just not sure what to do about  it.  I want things to get better. I want things to be better, I want to be loved and have friends and be sucsessfull but I dont know how to do it. God can you please help me here I am ready to buy some cats and call it quits.

Fork In the Road

Okay so it has been over a month since the last time I updated you all on the events of my life. Well I figured hey its 12 on a lonely sunday why not?!?!? Well heres what has been going on, Black, yeah him the most fucking perfect guy in the world, he dumped me for a well hotter, older and all around better me. It happend right after homecomeing and I was terribly broken up about it but now, I mean seeing them together at school makes me want to get back out there and find someone new but when ever I think of Black I think of our cute memories and the fact he is sharing them with HER.

Yeah so I have spent my time getting over him but the real problem is I have no idea what I am supposed to do now. I mean I really have no idea, when a guy and I break up I always have another guy waiting in the wings but with Black I guess I kind of put all my eggs in one basket. I guess I should have learnd my lesson from BFFL I mean I did the same thing with her and look were that got me. In case you were wondering it got me friendless and shunded by my "friends". Anyway I am at a loss here. I really dont know where to go or what to do. I mean I am a highschool student and I dont want to get all emotional but I think I need to seriously reconsider the way I am with people because something I am learning this year is that I really dont know who I am and that sucks because I really want to. I think I need to try to find out who I am before jumping into another relationship or jumping into anything. I need to focus on my self for a while and I hope that doesnt sound conceded or anything but I think I should try to figure out who I am and what kind of person I am before I want to share my life and experences with another human.

Single but No Need To Mingle:)

Okay so you all know how I complain my nuts off about being alone and wanting a boyfriend. Well I am happy to say I have a date on friday. No you know what I am not "happy" to say I have a date on friday and you know what I fucking should be becuase this guy is mother fucking perfect!!!!!!!!
Ugh okay so heres my problem I have this guy, Black remember him? He is litteraly everything I need, stable, nice, caring and consistant and the best part is he is actually in to me! Now there is this other guy, you all remember yellow ( I only talk about him all the mother trucking time) Well thanks to him i have a mental deleima going on.) I mean one day he will be all the mother fuck over me and then the next day its like, oh who are you again? What the fuck? I dont know if its because Black talks about meme at football or if this is his way of trying to tell me something but you know what NO. If he really liked me he would be pursueing me just like Ben did and he would be asking me out and hanging out with me in the snack shack (like black does even when he has football till seven:) )

So no there is no contest here Black is the guy for me consistent, cute, smart and everything the perfect boyfriend should be. I mean I deserve better than a douce bag who choses when he get to talk to me and when he doesnt. I deserve black and you know what thats who my eyes are for 100% now. I am blacks girl and I am proud to say it and any guy who choses  now to want what they cant have thats to mother fucking bad:)

Dear Douche Bag

I take back every single mother fucking thing I said in the last post. It was total bull shit all of it. I am to mother fucking good for yellow! To mother fucking good! That boy isn't get shit out of me forever that fucking tool bag!

Butterflys, I only get them from you.

Okay so I know its been a while but I always think I dont need to write about things untill they get as bad as things are now. Okay so here it is, remember that guy that I am always talking about and always blogging about yeah well here I am finaly admitting it. I think I am in love with him. Yeah I know, not a huge shock. Just typing those words are difficult and right now my heart is going a million miles an hour and my fingers can barly type because I hate this feeling. This feeling of being attached to someone who doesnt want to be attached back to me. I cant stand it. I know I have asked god for him to notice me a million times but what i didnt count for is that I dont know I would actually feel this strongly for him.

I know I know hes a total player and cant have an honest conversation with a girl and he does what I like to call cant walk the walk but I dont know there is something about him, something that I dont know makes me feel like he is just as confused as me. Just as broken and damaged, just as helpless and I dont know if its just my hormones and the fact that every girl likes him and wants him but I dont know! I hate thinking about loving him or liking him because I know I am just going to get hurt in the end becuase life doesnt have fairtale endings. Not for girls like me.

I feel sick and volnerable. I hate feeling like this. I hate knowing he has controll when clearly he does. I hate this I hate not know wha to do next, i hate not knowing whats going to happen I hate him having full controll of my heart strings and me having no controll over it. Oh crap and then there is black. i forgot completely about black. hes a totally sweet guy who is in to me but just doesnt measure up to him............

oh god everything sucks right now. I wish I could just crawl in to a blanket and hide. Forever.

Brain Puke

So here I am writing to you from the comfort of my LCD light of my laptop due to the fact the power is out. I come with many an update on this dark evening or more likely another rant like always. Okay so lets start with how fucked up school is and how my parents are runnining my life. Like for making me take all of these AP courses and how I am fighting the urge more and more to not smak my mother. She was just bitching about I never turn the lights off, I sware sometimes she doesnt want me around.

So on another note I am also having to deal with the war on my hormones. I am consently having to fight off the urge to want a boyfriend. I am consently having to dragg my self back to earth from fantasies of cuddling on the couch and falling asleep in his big muscular arms. It sucks. I am also surrounded by attractive guys all the time. Guy who I know I have no shot with and guys that I cant say that around due to my bright and bubbly image to keep up. Sometimes aspireing to be a barbie doll can be hard work. I think we all already get how much I hate guys. i mean not in an actual I hate you sence but like a stop being so damn atractive and disiering sence. You know?

Last thing about guys i sware. So there is this guy, lets call him yellow. So yellow is a very attractive guy who as pretty much the maturity of a five year old and it drives me fucking bannas!!!!!!!! because he thinks he can get any girl he wants and in all truth he can!!!!! It takes me every ounce of energy inside me not cave and tell him I would love to sleep with him and fall in love with him and  be qith him but no. I cant I need respect and a relationship and i would never want to lose it to a guy like that. Would I? I mean losing it to someone you barley know has its possitves like not getting attach and getting hurt. but I would love to stay a virgin untill I am married like god wants but I am going to need some serious help if he wants that. Then there is Blue and Black two very attractive boys who are actually boy friend matierial and theres jake. The guy next door but he not all that cute. oh goodness i need to stop.

Then there is the fact I am constantly craving popularity, but that is a whole other topic for a another night.

Then lastly I get the fact that I know this may sound crazy but I think god wants me to be a nun. I mean look at the signs:
i almost died twice so he must want me around for something important
god made it so i cant drink or do drugs
I have this feeling in my bones that i was ment for something Important and or amazing.

Desperately seeking an awkward life.

Okay do you know that show awkward? Yeah so that's all I want right now. All I want is a madie mickibben to come and rob me of my v-card and then fall hopelessly in love with me. Seriously I need some excitement this school year or I will blow my Brian's out. I am also having a confrontation with the most gorgeous people in the school today and well I hope this guy I am seeing tomarrow could be my madie but then I am brought back down to earth and in realasation I am a sophomore and he is so out of my league. Well wish me luck tomarrow I am really going to need it. Night.